textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
