someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
