i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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