I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
