I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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