Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my being single is dangerous.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
