i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He's on the porch naked. Help.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
