my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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