Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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