she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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