Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
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A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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