1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
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