yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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