I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
