you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
