I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
