Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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