So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
