you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
