So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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