Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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