her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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