I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
