So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
