I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were destined to go to rehab together
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
