yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
