Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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