the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
