my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
