I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
