In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
