I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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