I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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