I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
