I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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