Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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