OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
