Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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