I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?