I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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