I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
