I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
