one might say we're banned from that church
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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