nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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