i'm lost and i look like a hooker
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I fill condoms, not promises.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
