the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
