I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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