She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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