he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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