Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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