I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
