Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
