I must be too annoying 4 u.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
