I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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