I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So squirting runs in the family.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
