I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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