If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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