3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
