y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
