Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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