I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
