I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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